I've got a load of jokes just below the line but it's a load and i don't want it taking up the entire page so it's hidden.
things to annoy your parents
1. Follow them around the house everywhere...
2. Moo when they say your name...
3. Run into walls...
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion...
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine...
6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"...
7. Wear a sticker that says, "I'm a retard"...
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time...
9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"...
10. Do what they actually tell you...
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly...
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people...
13. At everything they say yell, Liar...
14. Try to swim in the floor...
15. Tap on their door all night...
16.Pretend to have amnesia...
17.Say everything backwards...
18.Give yourself a swirly...
19.Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling, "the sun!!! it's dying!!!"...
20.Sing at the top of your lungs while running around the house...in your underwear...
21.Have nervous spasms at spontaneous times...
22.Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder...
23.Run in circles...
24.Recite a whole movie 3 times...
25.Pretend to beat yourself up...
26.Chase/bark at the mail man...
27.Wear your pants on your head and your shirt on your waist... tell them you're making a fashion statement...
28.Try and drink out of a glass the wrong way...
29.Super glue your finger up your nose...
30.Talk to a pen...
31.Lay face down and chant like an Indian tribe...
32.Try and climb the wall...
33.Roll on the floor laughing hysterically in supermarkets...
34.Take your ice cream cone and put it one your forehead... say you're a lovely unicorn...
35. Turn the tv on to a station you don't get, watch the static and say you're looking for the pattern...36.Switch the light button on and off for a while. then say, "ooooh... I get it!!!"...
37.Eat your hair...
38.Whatever they are eating, tell them it looks like a certain animal...
39.Eat anything obviously not edible...
40.Say your pet is mocking you and chase it around the house...
41.When you shower or bathe yell, "I'm drowning!!!"...
42.Try to snorkel in your fish tank...
1. At the airport, wear a uniform and claim you are the pilot, get annoyed if they don't believe you but DONT give up, see how far you can get ( WARNING, may result in you being arrested)
2. Whilst boarding the plane, say in a loud voice "THAT WING SURE DOES LOOK RUSTY!!"
3. When everyone is seated, do your own demonstration of what to do in an emergency, let this include 'comical' situations such as "in the (likely) event of the plane setting alight and becoming a plummeting fireball of death, please remember to tighten your seatbelt" look surprised when you are the only one laughing.
4. when the plane is still on the ground, Rock back and forth in your seat and say aloud "THIS TURBULANCE SURE IS ROUGH!!"
5. Wear rags and a headscarf, claim that your name is Svetolafoson Frojhkyhkjuhjdj and that you are being deported back to Estonia, look pleased when your told that this plane is not going there. say "Really?!, u haf not met me if zey ask zen, ok?!"
6. As the plane is landing, adopt the 'Duck and Cover' position as you scream "WE ARE GOING TO CRASH! ONLY DEATH AWAITS US ALL NOW! DEATH I TELLS YA!!!!" when you land safely, stand up and leave the plane normally, thank the stewardess for a lovely flight.
7. Go in to the toilet and make loud vomiting noises, keep going for a few minutes, then come out and announce to the plane that the toilet is blocked, act like its not your fault.
8. Stand up and ask the passengers if anyone " wants to join the mile high club with you?" wink suggestively at various people...of both sexes.
9. Get the pilot to show you round the cockpit, come out afterwards and say "YOU WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGH HE COULD FLY THE PLANE AFTER SO MUCH VODKA BUT IT JUST SHOWS, THEY REALLY ARE TRUE PROFESIONALS!".
10. Delight your fellow passengers with your impression of a plane crashing in to the sea, complete with sound effects.
11. Enthrall your companions on the plane by telling them that you knew the pilot of Buddy Holly's plane and you're pretty sure he trained at the same place as your current pilot.
12. Give a fact filled guide of the area you are flying over, this can include " And if you look to your right you will see the wreckage of our sister plane, after she was shot at and subsequently crashed in to that mountain side which, as you can see, her burnt out hull remains embedded in, the bodies were never found.'
14. Occasionally scream........loudly.
15. Get up and announce that you are going to hi-jack the plane, make to get out a gun, but act like its not there, check all your pockets and then say " OH CRAP, I MUST HAVE LEFT IT IN THE OTHER COAT, OK, NEVER MIND!" Sit down like nothing has happened.
16. From the second you take off, every ten seconds say in the same voice "are we there yet?"
17. Keep sniffing around and eventually say in a loud voice "CAN YOU SMELL BURNING?"
18. Go to the cockpit, wait a few second, then come back and say in a loud voice, "UMM SHOULD'NT THERE BE...LIKE....A PILOT?"
19. When your on a small, ten person plane, Inform everyone that you used to be an aerodynamic engineer and this plane is VERY badly built.
20. As you get of the plane, look worried and announce loudly" VAIT A MINUTE, VOT IZ ZIS PLACE?! ZIS IZ NOT POLAND, VERE ZE HELL IZ ZIS?!?!?!?"
21. If you're flying first class, make sure to sit behind someone. When that person is sleeping, grap your motion sickness bag and vomit in it. After you do that, hold the bag in the air and then pop it on the person. See what happens......
Things to do at The Movies
1. When you are choosing a seat, point at someone and say loudly in a childish voice, "I don't want to sit to that guy, he smells funny!"
2. Everytime there is a gun shot, scream, "Hit the floooor!", jump to the floor and cover your head.
3. Quote all dialogue five seconds after it's said on screen.
4. Ask the person at the ticket counter "Do you come here often?"
5. Start an standing ovation at the end of the movie.
6. Become a bookie. Take bets on which character (or audience member) will die first.
7. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing"
8. Clap and cheer when the good guys gets killed.
9. During the previews, yell out "Can you fast foward it please?"
10. Try to start a Mexician wave
11. Argue that no-one can sit next to you because the seats alreadly taken by your invisible friend.
12. Stand up during the picture and announce to the others the movies twist.
13. Shout "look behind you!" at the actors.
14. Wear 3D glasses. Complain about how bad the effects are.
15. Everytime someone curses, cover your ears and shout "oh the fucking profanity!"
16. Hum the theme music.
17. Bring a flashlight. During the film, perform a shadow puppet show on the ceiling.
18. Go "Ooooooooooh...." whenever someone kisses.
19. Wear a huge fake afro wig, blocking the person behind you's view.
20. Shout out "Help, I'm a beautiful butterfly"
21. Clap loudly everytime a person walks into the theater late.
22. Enquire what the theater's return policy on popcorn is.
23. Ask a friend to sit four seats beside you and to call you to your mobile phone, answer after a few rings and start to talk loudly about any anoying subjects you can or about the movie. (Suggested by Oscar)
things you should never say to a police officer
1) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5) Are You Andy or Barney?
6) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer
7) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8) I pay your salary!
9) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10) Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12) When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
13) What? You need a license to drive?
14) Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!
15) Is your power a penis substitute?
16) Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk
17) Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.
18) Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.
19) Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?
20) A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind
21) Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?
22) Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.
23) Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence
24) Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?
25) Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too
26) My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal
27) Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
28) Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?
29) You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me
30) In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?
31) If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight
32) Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?
33) Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either
34) Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut
35) Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?
36) Do you have any idea who you're talking to?
37) There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.
38) What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol
39) That uniform makes your ass look really big.
40) You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
41) I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
42) So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
43) I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
44) Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going"Driver "No I'm too stoned to remember"
45) Its tobacco, honest
46) Hey, i bet i can grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket!
50 Things to do on the First Day of Class
Based on an email from Rebecca
Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.
Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"
Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.
Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
Sing your questions.
When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.
Address the professor as "your excellency".
Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
Ask whether you have to come to class.
Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
Things to do in a Crowded Lift
1)Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2) Shake the person's hand when he/she enter the lift.
3) Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.
4) Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
5) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!".
6) Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
7) Sell Girl Scout cookies.
8) On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
10) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
11) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
12) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off
13) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
14) Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
15) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
16) One word: Flatulence!
17) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
18) Do Tai Chi exercises.
19) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
20) When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
21) Give religious tracts to each passenger.
22) Meow occasionally.
Things to do in a Bathroom Stall
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour," May I borrow a highlighter?"
2.Say in disgust "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
Funny Things to do on your driving test
1. Rev the engine very high, turn to the examiner and say with an evil stare, "Buckle up"
2. Turn the radio on. When the examiner goes to turn it down or off, slap their hand
3. After the instructor gets in the car, pop the hood, get out and check the oil
4. Fill your car with beer
5. In the middle of driving, hug the examiner
6. Swear and yell at everybody on the road (include parked cars)
7. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and fourth between the person next to you at the lights, lean forward, grind your teeth and make animal noises
8. When parking, stop a few feet from distance and get out and push, saying frantically to the instructor "grab the wheel, the cars out of control!"
9. Keep doing the same thing over and over again, like yelling at the person in the rear view mirror to get out of the way, and then say "oh, it's me." Keep doing it
Things you DON'T Want to Hear in Surgery
Based on an email by Steve
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. OK, now take a picture from this angle.
This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
How to Relieve Boredom! Part 2
Ideas for this page are by Frances, John H and his Mates!
When at work, jump on to your desk, shout "ARRIBA!" and proceed to belly dance to a tape of 'Livin La Vida Loca'
Walk up to random people in the street and shyly ask in a baby like voice "will *you* be my fwend?"
Have hundreds of leaflets printed reading 'Yung go Ping's Chinese takeaway' now in association with the R.S.P.C.A.' Go ahead and leaflet your area
Go to the Bingo, when you win, jump up and shout " HA!, I conquer you elderlies!"
Go to the supermarket, pick up a courgette, hold it to your ear then say, "what?!, you don't want me to eat you?, well...ok then" put it down and move on.
Later, re-enact the Chariot scene in Ben Hur with your trolley.
While on the bus, eat a whole lettuce as if it were an apple.
Make a list of ways to relieve boredom.
When crossing the road, run across in exaggerated slow motion whilst humming 'Chariots of fire'. When you reach the other side, slow mo celebrate. Get emotional.
When talking to someone, look over their shoulder and suddenly freeze, look terrified as you say "Don't. Move." start to back away. say " I'll get help" and run off.
Put your head in a candy floss machine...see what happens.
Go to the Train station and stay on the platform, as a train is leaving, grab a passengers hand through an open window and run along the side of the train, all the while telling them how much you're going to miss them and will never forget them. Done in the style of 'Brief Encounter'.
Cello tape your mouth shut, communicate with Morse code via blinking.
Wear a sheet as a toga, proclaim yourself to be 'Farticus' and pass wind every time you speak your name.
Superglue a chess set to your ceiling, Like my friend Riad did!
Go around saying, "I'm sane, I swear."
Have a hotdog eating contest with yourself.
Memorize the lyrics to theme songs. E.g. pokemon, cardcaptors.
Stare at a spot in the ceiling and see how many other people you can get to do it.
Pull the skin on your elbow and scream, "My Weinus Is So Big!"
Watch a black and white movie, mute it, and make up your own dialogue for it.
Take the powder from Fun Dip, throw it at people and say, "Evil begone!"
After every sentence say, "Over" and make that static noise that walkie-talkies make.
Start every sentence with, "Momma always said"
Put tape over your nose and talk like Michael Jackson.
Pick up the coins in the fountain in the mall and scream, "I'm rich!"
Scotch tape your mouth shut, communicate with Morse code via blinking.
Tell people they have dead spiders following them.
Fun Things to do at work, (to brighten up a dull day and worry your workmates!)
Emailed by Minnie
1. Totally Ignore the first five people who say "Good Morning" to you.
2. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".
3. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
4. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "mmmmmm, that feels soooo good!"
5. Leave your fly's open for one hour. If anyone points it out say, "Sorry I really prefer it this way, it lets the smell out".
6. In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out YAHTZEE".
7. Walk sideways to the photocopier, crab style.
8. Say to your manager, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
9. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, cause I don't want to repeat it".
10. Press the "no cup option" on the coffee machine, kneel down and drink directly from the nozzle.
11. At the end of a meeting, suggest that for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the National Anthem (extra respect if you actually launch into it yourself).
12.Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch off & on 10 times.
13. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak with as "Barbara"
14. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, Mon". Keep this up for 1 hour.
15.In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up dammit, all of you just shut up".
16. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I will never go hungry again".
17.In a colleague's diary, write in 10:00 am; "see how I look in tights".
18.Carry your keyboard over to your colleague, and ask, "do you want to trade?"
19.Come to work in army camoflauge and when asked why, say,"I can't talk about it".
20. Hang a 2 foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your trousers, and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
21. Disappear into the toilets and emerge with your trousers over your head, then commence a 2 minute sprint around the office whilst holding your hands out to your side and making aeroplane noises. Return back to the toilets, get dressed again and return quietly to your seat as if nothing had happened.
Creative Answering Machine Messages
Emailed by Minnie
1)Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...
2)After the tone, leave your name, number, and the location of the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
3)The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.
4)I can't come to the phone right now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now... I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh, ARRRRGGGHHH. This is so confusing.
5)How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello? Hello? Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!
6)C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this-- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!
7)Next on Public Radio 184.108.40.206 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....
8)This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is FUNONE.
9)Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
10)No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
How to keep a healthy level of insanity...Do three of these per day
By John and Andrew
"Insanity is a tool, use it well." - Robert Clark
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Dont use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend the potluck party because you're not in the mood.
23) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
24) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
25) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!""3rd time this week!!!"
26) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
27) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."
28) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
29) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
30) UsE RAnDoM cAPiTaliZaTiON iN EvEryTHiNg YOu wrITe
31) Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
32) Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
33) "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
34) Slap the boss's face every time he interrupts your afternoon nap.
35) Pee up your office door, your desk or your cubicle and growl at anyone that comes near.
36) Follow delivery men around in pure James Bond style, but make it very obvious.
37) Persistantly call your bosses 'sweetcheeks' and wink at them in front of everyone.
38) Whenever you answer the phone, do so in a french accent, and slowly change it to a japanese accent.
39) Belch loudly over the intercom, then ask if anyone wants to hear a fart.
40) When the boss starts talking to you, open and drink a bottle of ketchup.
41) Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now go to that executive meeting.
42) Turn your monitor facing the wall, if anyone asks what you're doing, say that this is the most interesting side of the monitor
43) Have races in the corridors with chairs that don't have wheels on them
44) Hold open automatic doors for people.
45) Threaten to jump out of a ground floor window.
46) Bring empty crisps and buscuit packets and sandwich bag to work in your packed lunch box and pretend to eat it. Make sure the wrappers are different each day, you need variety in life.
47) Replace the mouse with a real mouse.
48) Delibrately get colleagues names wrong.
49) Ask at a newsagent if they will read the paper to you or at least give you the general jist of it.
50) Eat stink bombs before french kissing.
51) Drive to work and walk back.
52) Ask to borrow a pencil, snap it infront of their face, then point at the car park and ask which one is theirs.
53) Wear socks on the outside of your shoes.
54) End all sentences with ".co.uk".
55) Play bagpipes in meetings.
56) Go to an interview, act like your the interviewer.
57) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
58) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".59) While riding an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
60) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
61) Poke holes in the bottoms of all the styraphome coffee cups in the break room.
Funny One Liners
Based on an Email by Devin.
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
National Atheist's Day April 1st.
All generalizations are false.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
No matter where you go, you're there.
It's been Monday all week.
Gravity always gets me down.
This statement is false.
They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Life is too complicated in the morning.
We are all part of the ultimate statistic-ten out of ten die.
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
Evolution: True science fiction.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Your body is made of 70% water. If you drink water, then, does that make you a cannibal?
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(And that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:" Product will be hot after heating."
(...And you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:" Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(And.I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(I'm not even going to put a comment for this one!)
On PMS mediciation: "do not give to children under 3 years."
(What kid under the age of three has a period?
The Difference Between Cars & Computers
if gmc made cars like microsoft made computers...
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. v 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation "warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Please don't sue me!!!!
A local charity had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called to get a contribution.
"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?"
The lawyer replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with medical bills several times her annual income?"
"Um, no," mumbled the director.
"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed?" The stricken director began to stammer an appology.
"Or that my sister's husband died in an accident," said the lawyer, his voice rising inindignation, "leaving her penniless with three kids?"
The humiliated director said simply,"I had no idea."
"So, if I don't give any money to them, why would I give money to you?"
Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A. One stops screwing you after your dead.
Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
A: 1) Lawyers don't think they're funny
2) nobody else thinks they're jokes.
Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: He saw a car accident on the other side.
Q: What are some of the requirements to becoming a lawyer?
A: You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and child abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM.
Q: What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them?
A: You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while, "I'm gonna sue!!"
Q: Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
A: Even hyenas has some dignity.
Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An impossibility.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and potholes?
A: People do not run over the same pothole more than once
TOP 10 REASONS WHY LAWYERS SHOULD REPLACE LAB RATS
10. There is an endless supply
9. Lab assistants don't get attached to them
8. It's more fun to shave and stick needles in lawyers
7. There are some things rats just won't do
6. It's fun to dispose of them when you're through
5. It's not "inhumane" treatment, when it comes to lawyers
4. No one cares when a lawyer squeals
3. We've seen what happens when they are allowed to breed freely
2. Lawyers belong in cages
And the #1 reason lawyers should replace lab rats--
1. Animal rights activist don't care if you experiement on them
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, "the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to read precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: No changes occur.
Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
A: An ambulance stopped suddenly
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
Q. Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and New York all the lawyers????
A. New jersey got to pick first!
A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"
Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.
"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Married to a Lawyer
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
An Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Religion and Heaven & Hell Jokes
A Dying Man
A priest came to a dying man to read him his last rites.
"Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest.
"This is no time to be making enemies," replied the man.
Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly. They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter.
"OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know."
Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye." He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye." He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"
St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby. Vito asks, "Hey! Whats a matter wid you? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!" Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"
God vs. Satan
And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them". And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly coloured sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert. And Woman gained pounds.
And God said "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said "You are running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery...
And Satan created HMOs...
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and poof! she's gone.
The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and poof! she's gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in six months "
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton".
"What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex but you couldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
How'd You Die?
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
A Good Deed
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em attacking this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
Sisters of Mercy
A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying "Sisters of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 10 miles"
Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles."
Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit". His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent.
He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers "I saw your signs on the highway, are they for real?"
The nun answers "Yes", and tells him to give her $50 and follow her to a room.
He enters a room, and a second nun requests $50, and leads him to a door. Once he opnes the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun.
He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign, "Thank you for you contributions, you have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."
The Big-Busted Organist
There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on your breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said:
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."
Good Catholic Girls
A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St Peter. St Peter asks first girl, "Rebecca, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Meg have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Amy! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jenny sticks her arse in it"
The Ten Commandments
A Baptist deacon notice the Pastor was agitated one Sunday morning so he asked what was wrong. Turned out some one had stolen the preacher's bicycle. So the deacon said preach the ten commandments and when you get to the one about "thou shalt not steal" really bear down hard and maybe the thief will hear about it and return your bike. So the preacher preached. But he didn't emphasize any one commandment more than the others. After the sermon his deacon buddy asked why he didn't emphasize the one on stealing. The reverend said "When I got to "thou shalt not commit adultery" I remembered where I left my bike."
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity. The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"
Heaven was too full so one day they had St. Peter standing at the Pearly gates to only let in the people that had a really bad day the day they died! So St. Peter asked the 1st man what was wrong with the day he died the man replies:
" I had the suspicion that my wife was cheating on me so I went home early to catch her at it! I went home but only found her asleep on the bed until I went out onto the balcony and there was the bugger hanging onto the railings!! so I threw him off but he didn't die so I got my fridge and threw it at him but lifting it gave me a heart attack and I died" St Peter reckons this is a pretty bad day so lets him into heaven
St Peter asks the 2nd man what was wrong with his day the 2nd man replied:
" I was working out on my 20th floor balcony and I slipped but I managed to catch the railings of the balcony below so but then some guy comes out onto his balcony and throws me down to my death but I landed in some bushes so it was ok but then he threw his fridge at me and I died!!" St Peter chuckled and let the man into heaven
St Peter asked the 3rd man what was wrong with his day the man replied:
"picture this I'm hiding naked in a fridge...."
True Emergency Room Visits!
FATTY AND SKINNING------- A slender 45-year-old man from Georgia reported broken ribs after having to literally escape from his 300-pound wife. Apparently, she had accidentally rolled onto him while sleeping, crushing his ribs. Ashamed by her weight problem and what she had done, she refused to let her husband leave he house. But he broke out a few days, whilst she was sleeping and went straight to the hospital.
SUPERMAN TO THE RESCUE----A neighbour of a newly wed couple was worried when she didn't hear her rather noisey neighbours for a while. A few days later, she peered through their letterbox and through the windows. But there was no sign of anyone. Concerned for the young couple, she called the police. The officers promptly broke down the door, then searched the house. Only to find the young women gagged and tied to the bed. Her husband was lying unconscious on the floor, wearing a Superman Outfit. They later explain that they had been engaged in a superhero role-playing fantasy, and the costumed husband had knocked himself out attempting to jump onto his wife from atop the dresser. Of course, the woman was unable to help him!
THE RUNAWAY STRETCHER -------- An elderly woman was been transported to another hospital in an ambulance. The paramedics were quietly talking to her when the ambulance doors suddenly opened while they were journeying up an incline. The stretcher she was strapped to flew out, rolled down the hill at tremendous speed, before tipping over, narrowing missing two cars travelling in the opposite direction.
THE SHOCK OF HIS LIFE------An 18-year-old High School leaver from Birmingham, Alabama was rushed into the ER after he been severely electrocuted. After much hesitance, he later explained that he had been sat at his computer, visiting some "adult" websites. After his "right hand had said hello to his One Eyed Snake", he came, spraying his bodily fluids all over the keyboard and onto the screen, causing the current to pass through his body.
INNER SKELETON----- A 63 year old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a foetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.
SOFA GAL----- A 400lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit and a dime was found under one of her breasts.
PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
PING PONG ANYONE?----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball.
BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
THE CATS BOLLOCKS------An unconscious 30-year-old man was brought to the ER by ambulance. His girlfriend had found him lying naked on the floor of his bathroom and called 911. In the ER, he was found to have a large lump on the top of his head and, strangely, several scratches on his scrotum. The doctors figured the lump was possibly caused by a fall or a knock to the head. However the source of the scratches remained a mystery until he woke up and provided the doctors with the following explanation. He said he had been cleaning his bathtub while naked, kneeling on the floor beside the tub. His cat, apparently transfixed by the rhythmic swaying of his scrotum, lunged forward, sinking its claws into this pendulous target. This caused the man to rocket upward, striking his head on the top frame of the shower door.
Fun & Weird Thoughts
Based on an Email From Matt
What is the problem with people who ask sarcastic rhetorical questions?
Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. I'd strongly suggest you put on a pair of new Dockers Heat-Resistant Comet Pants first though, unless you're into third-degree burns.
When technology advances enough to shrink cellular phones to the size of an actual cell, it would probably be a good idea to clone a bunch of them, because man, those things are going to be really easy to lose.
Sometimes I just stare into the sun, marveling at its powers and gentle grace that warms the Earth and allows for life itself. Then I stop and think "Good God, I've blinded myself again!"
If you ever decide to build yourself a house made of butter, you should try to live next to a house made of toast. That would make for a hilarious news story.
You should never cry over spilt milk. Unless, of course, you are stranded on a deserted island and a magical genie shows up and offers you a lifetime of pleasure, fame, and fortune in exchange for your last glass of milk and you leap with glee and nearly spill your milk, then after you sigh in relief that it hasn't spilled, you step on a clam shell and drop the glass, causing the genie to disappear and leaving you to live out your days on a diet of coconuts and dead seagulls.
If I ever decide to get into body piercing I think I'll ask them to use one of those big hole punchers. That way I could hang 3-ring binders from my chest and carry around recipes and things.
Whenever I see someone who is really obese, I usually picture them in the shower. Not because I find them attractive though. I'm just curious how in the world they wash their back.
Whoever came up with that "lift with your knees and not with your back" idea is an idiot. Everybody knows that when it comes to lifting, the best way to do it is with your HANDS.
I'm glad that wristwatches have withstood the test of time, because not only would I not enjoy wearing a neckwatch, but it would be nearly impossible to see the time.
A cheetah might be fast and an elephant might be strong, but neither of them have any pockets. We can all thank the modern clothing industry for that key advantage.
Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder, but at the same time "Love is blind." Damn that's confusing...ah well
Do we really need warnings that the lead in paint will kill you? Keep in mind that these people have already made a conscious decision to CONSUME PAINT.
Americans would be a lot less obese if we all agreed to do a whimsical little dance instead of saying "Hello."
Some people think the worst part of Razor Blade Pizza is the razor blades. They're wrong though - it's the horribly salty sauce recipe that irritates all of your internal lacerations.
Every rose has its thorn, except for those new genetically altered ones that have teeth and a taste for human flesh. I'd rather deal with the thorns, personally.
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a valuable lesson in trust.
You know what doesn't scare me? The threat of super-intelligent plants. They take so long to grow that we'd totally see through their plans in advance.
You know what would make pictures better? If they had the ability to walk and talk, as well as do all types of household chores. Then again, I could be confusing them with my idea for a two-dimensional midget handyman.
Whenever I go walking in the forest I like to stop now and then and build a small pile of rocks. You can never be too prepared for a rock throwing contest.
Why do Tic Tacs have to announce that extra half calorie? Do you know anyone that has become hideously obese from eating breath mints?
If the early bird gets the worm, then what incentive do worms have to wake up early? Death?
I was seriously injured in a Chinese cooking accident the other day. The doctors told me that I might never be able to wok again.
I bet a lot of mimes choke to death because everyone just thinks it is one of those lame mime routines.
Yesterday I accidentally drank some "baby formula." I hope I don't get pregnant.
If you can't say anything nice about someone, say nothing. Then creep up behind them with a baseball bat and really let em have it.
I'm going to make a movie where the bullets actually HIT the hero in the first gunfight.
Do you ever take a few seconds and think about technology? Take a telephone for instance. Every call we make travels across an unbroken wire at amazing speeds that almo... Okay, I'm done thinking. Back to TV
I love the internet. Where else could a word as short as "ok" be shortened to "k" just to save a millisecond of time?
Instead of watering their crops, do popcorn farmers go out and butter the plants every morning?
THINGS WE'VE LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES.
With Suggestions by Matt, Andy, Michael, Barney, LJ & Scott
1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
3) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
4) When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
5) Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
6) Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
7) A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
8) It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
9) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
10)It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
11) Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
12) An electric fence powerful enough to kill a large dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
13) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
14) It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German you need not speak the language. A German accent will do.
16) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
17) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
18) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
19) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince in agony when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
20) If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade- at any time of the year.
21) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
22) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
23) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
24) Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
25) Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
26) If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
27) Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
28) Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
29) All single women have a cat.
30) Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
31) One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
32) Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cutting - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
33) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
34) Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them
35) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
36) Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
37) Whenever a natural or man-made disater is about to occur, the hero escapes (alive) nano second before its too late and is catupulted into the air by the force- but is never harmed
38) No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
39) If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
40) You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
41) All Americans have phones which can reach throughout the house-even if it has a cord. If its cordless- you can pick up perfect reception all around the house...unless there is a insane killer about
42) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
43) Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
44) Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
45) Building ventilation ducts are always clean.
46) Film stars are always super-human- they never need to use the bathroom
47) Any computer, anywhere, even in the jungle, can hack into the most secure goverment system.
48) Any aliens from outer space that you meet will speak your language.
49) No matter how many times you punch someone they will always come back for more - and their wounds have healed dramtically the next day
50) All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
51) All handcuffs can easily be opened with nothing more than a paper clip.
52) Grocery shopping bags are made out of brown paper and there is always enough shopping to fill two bags exactly.
53) If you need to open a locked door make sure you have a credit card handy, that will do. Unless its the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
54) If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
55) If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
56) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
57) No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
58) When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
59) Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
60) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
61) Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
62) Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
63) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
64) Even if you've been set up for murder, been framed and you have the whole world wide police force hunting you down, you will automatically live happliy ever after aslong as you break away from the police and kill the bad guy.
65) If you desire to send any car into flame for any given reason, just shoot it three times, even though in real life you could stand right infront of a vechile and shoot the gun into the gas tank, it wouldnt ignite the fuel, only 1 or 2 bullets in the world can cause a spark, and it seems every police man in movies who blow up vehicles have those bullets!
66) Any woman who has just witnessed her father ,(brother, husband, fammily member ect) killed right there infront of her, will never be traumatised , morn, or be effected in anyway to resist making love to the hero who saved her!
68) Why when the hero of the movie gets the girl at the end , it seems like they will live happily ever after, yet dosent even mention her name or remember her in sequals!
69)You never need to look up the phone number for the pizza delivery service and the delivery guy is always psycic -you never need to tell him where you live or what you want on your pizza.
70) After witnessing a horrible crime being committed- don't call the cops, instead conduct your own Private Eye investigation.
71) If a lifetime of watching movies has taught me anything at all, it's to MAKE SURE that a captured secret agent is dead BEFORE you walk away from your miscellaneous torture device.
72) That, and to always look behind you when you hear menacing violin music begin to play.
73) In school, teachers will always be interrupted mid-sentence by the end-of-class bell.
74) Rather than wasting bullets, Megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
75) Never disarm a bomb unless it has one second left on the timer. The same goes for escaping from areas with a timed locking mechanism.
76) Always trust the most annoying person you can find because he/she will always survive.
77) If you are being chased by zombies run as fast as you can, even though they can barely walk they will still catch up with you.
78) Secret agents cannot drown because they have special lungs that allow them to breathe forever.
79) If someone you love dies then start mourning and crying, doing so will mean that they will then magically appear in front of you!
80) If someone or something is about to kill you and you have a gun then you are screwed because even if you have a loaded gun, the bullets will mysteriously disappear once you start shooting.
81) If you are in a vehicle and you have a vision of a huge accident and then get out of it then beware, because afterwards, any random object could kill you in any random way. (From Final Destination)
82) If your wife is having an affair, never kill the person she is having it with, you may have to eat him the next day. (From The Cook, The Wife, The Thief and Her Lover)
83) No matter what your mission is you will be given the lastest gadget (or have it installed in your car), which will be the exact thing you need to complete your mission (and it will always work). Also no matter how much experince and trainning someone has shoting, they will always miss the hero.
84) No matter how fast someone runs through the woods, the killer will be able to walk and manage to get just in front of the person as they fall or turn around.
85) All of the killers victims will fall out of trees and become visible only when the last person alive is running for their lives.
86) Being a camp counsellor at a summer camp is as good as a death sentence
87) All zombies roaming the streets have only been bit once or twice, yet when a zombie gets someone on screen they always tear them to pieces
88) Two gophers and a piece of clothes can be made into the deadly weapon known as gopfer-jaku
How to Survive a Horror Movie
Based on watching many, many horror movies.
1. Firstly, never drink or do drugs and stay a virgin. Boring!
2. Never say that you'll be right back because you won't be.
3. Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis.
4. When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the bloody lights on!
5. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
6. Big breasts and blonde hair are a death-wish.
7. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
8. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
9. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
10. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
11. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
12. Always check the back seat of your car.
13. If on a stormy night, you find a window open which you thought was previously closed, do not close it. It may be your only way out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you.
14. If you come into possession of a strange old artifact and any exotic person (old wizened oriental, gypsy, indian medicine man) warns you to do/not do something, do not do just the opposite in order to demonstrate how silly they are.
15. Anniversary nights of executions, horrible murders, or terrifying rituals should be viewed with fear. Especially on the spot where the event took place. Most especially on even century anniversaries. And certainly if you or a friend is somehow descended from one of the original participants.
16. If your friend turns into a demon and then suddenly turns back to normal, kill them because they are not normal!
17. Kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. They will eventually get you killed.
18. Never be with the group who plays vicious pranks on the shy strange new kid, those pranksters will soon meet their doom and often in a horribly gory way.
19. Go ahead and slap the screaming hysterical girl, she will be the one to distract everyone when there really is danger.
20. Nothing is ever over if it is still night-time.
21. Take heed of all warnings from animals and children. They usually know more than you do.
22. Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.
23. Never publicly announce your plans for the future if you make it out alive. It guarantees that you have no future.
24. Never under any circumstances run upstairs if you are being chased.
25. If you find Brad Pitt dressed as a vampire, dont forget to forward him my email address! email@example.com
26. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
27. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.
28. Do not take *anything* from the dead.
29. Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.
30. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any (possibly deathly) device made from deceased companions.
31. Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
32. Remember: Showing Skin=Death.
33. Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.
34. Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.
35. When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There's no hope for you anyway.
36. If you're annoying person that no-body likes and in a crap cheapo horror movie, please make a documentary that requires you to hike through the woods while looking for a witch that leaves stick figures hanging in trees, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
37. Never say "Who's there?" Its a death wish.
38.If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back in the sequel and kick ass, no explanation needed.
Things to During a Boring Lecture
Thanks to Chelsea for Emailing me this.
1. Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.
2. Heckle the professor.
3. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.
4. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.
5. Get the other students in your row to do the wave.
6. Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can borrow his chalk to take notes.
7. Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable scientific proof.
8. If it's a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled pi.
9. When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say "He knows." Pick a different person each time.
10. Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your chair, along with your notebook and pen. Say that you have an important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking notes for you.
11. Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.
12. Write a love note. Sign it "a secret admirer". Get someone to pass it to the professor.
13. Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the class. Change clothes every time.
14. While taking notes, write vulgar words every few lines. If anyone asks, say you have Tourette's syndrome.
15. Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks, say "They were out of apples."
16. Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous lecture. Take notes on both.
17. If it's an English class, ask how the theory of relativity relates to Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream".
18. Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of class. Then wake up and explain that you missed the lecture, and ask the professor to summarize what he/she talked about.
19. Bring a can of spray paint. Use it to take notes on the classroom wall.
20. Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that you didn't have time to eat breakfast.
21. Wear a loincloth to class. If anyone asks, say that it is your costume for the school play, and you didn't have time to change out of it.
22. Tear out pages of the textbook and make little origami animals out of them. Have a whole menagerie by the end of class. Give them to the professor as a token of your esteem.
23. Bring a fishing rod. Try to catch things on the professor's desk.
24. Bring a tape player and a tape of a thunderstorm. Keep it hidden. Sometime during the lecture, start the tape, stand up, claim that the professor has angered the gods and leave. Watch to see how many students follow you after the tape starts playing.
25. Make reserved seating cards and place them on the desks before class.
26. Tell the professor you are on a new experimental cold medication that may have strange side effects. Every ten minutes or so, run around the room screaming. Afterward, claim that you have no memory of what just happened.
27. Claim that you are the new student teacher, and that you are to give the lecture for that class. If the professor agrees, lecture on a subject completely opposite the to subject of the class. If the professor objects, say that the students should have a wide range of knowledge.
28. Switch the professor's lecture notes with your history notes from last term.
29. Raise your hand and ask when the movie is going to start.
30. Bring a flash camera. Take pictures every few minutes, using a very bright flash. If anyone complains, say that you didn't see any sign saying you couldn't bring cameras.
31. Bring a light bulb. Hold it over your head whenever you have the answer to a question.
32. Bring an easel and a paint set. Paint a portrait of the professor during the lecture. Say that it is a homework assignment for art class.
33. Sneeze very loudly. Then, have the person next to you sneeze, then the person next to him, and so on. See how long it takes before the professor sneezes.
34. When the professor comes in, say, very loudly, "Hey! A substitute! All right!" Claim that the real professor said you could have lecture outside.
35. Come to class wearing the same outfit as the professor. Call the professor a copycat.
36. If it's a geology lecture, switch the quartz crystals with New Folger's Crystals and see if the professor notices. Have a hidden camera.
37. Hide a ticking clock under the podium. Call in a bomb threat.
38. Write your assignment on Plato on your little sister's modelling clay.
39. Ask questions in a foreign language you know the professor doesn't know. Act angry when he/she doesn't understand you.
40. Come to class dressed as a professional wrestler. Tell people you joined the wrestling team. Bodyslam anyone who doesn't believe you.
41. When the professor comes in, suddenly scream, "NOOOOOO! Not him! Not professor Johnson!! They let him teach again! Noooooooooo!" then run out of them room. See how many people follow you.
42. Turn your row into a mosh pit.
43. Before class starts, turn all the desks upside down. Sit on them like you would normally.
44. One word: Gladiators.
45. Make requests like people do at rock concerts. ("Relativity! Relativity! Einstein rocks!")
46. Bring popcorn. Throw it and the professor. Complain that these trained animal shows aren't what they used to be.
47. Bring a tape player and a tape of the school bell. Play it every 15 minutes.
48. When the professor calls on you, mumble incomprehensibly. Answer every question in this fashion. See how long it takes before the professor stops calling on you.
49. When you take a test, hire a security guard to stand by your desk and make sure no one cheats off your paper.
50. Make up a strange religious cult and distribute flyers for it during class.
Hell Freezing over
Emailed by Katya
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
- So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Signs you've had toooo much coffee
1. Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
2. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
3. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
4. You sleep with your eyes open.
5. You watch videos in fast-forward.
6. You lick your coffeepot clean.
7. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
8. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
9. You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
10. You can jump-start your car without cables.
11. Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
12. You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
13. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
14. You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
15. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
16. Instant coffee takes too long.
17. You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
18. You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
19. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
20. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an IV hookup.
However research shows that apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning!